Who Does GORUCK Events?
Every GORUCK event is unique. However, many of the folks who show up at GORUCK events are the same. While the list below isn’t comprehensive, I thought it would be helpful to introduce you to some of the good women and men who will make up your team at a GORUCK event.
Description: Newbie has no idea what he/she signed up for. After doing a few Spartan races and Tough Mudders (as evidenced by the t-shirt) Newbie somehow signed up for a GORUCK event without doing one simple google search to discover what happens at a GORUCK event. Newbie can often blend in at the start of an event but will be revealed during the welcome party as Newbie looks around, in a state of utter shock and bewilderment, having no clue what is happening and if or when it may stop. The look of terror always gives Newbie away.
Description: Blue Falcon can usually be identified at the welcome party, however, this rucker is often confused for New Guy or Overpacker. To truly identify Blue Falcon you will need to be given instructions from the Cadre. It is here that the Blue Falcon will be revealed as the completely inept team member he/she is. This ruckers actions will no doubt screw everyone over and lead to missing numerous time hacks and the team having to bear the brunt of the cadre’s PT punishment, which the Blue Falcon will also find a way to mess up.
Description: Overpacker is easy to find. Just look for the GR2. Inside Overpacker’s GR2 you will find an entire change of clothes, 2 jackets (one to keep warm and another to keep dry), a second pair of shoes, four MREs, a PB&J, a bag of beef jerky, a giant pelican case with iPad in it, a first aid kit that would make an doctor jealous, a f’n hatchet, a bottle of Gatorade, 6 carabeiners, 50 feet of webbing, and toothbrush. The upside of having Overpacker on your team is that if the apocalypse occurs during your event, this rucker probably got something in that bag to get you though.
Description: Grey Man is hard to see during the event. In fact, you won’t be able to see this rucker until you’re looking at the pictures your shadows posted on Facebook a couple days after the event. You’ll know Grey Man when you say, “Wait, who is that?” Yup, that’s Grey Man.
Description: Right before the event starts, you’ll be having a nice conversation with all the people there for the event. The Cadre will arrive and suddenly half the people will walk away and go huddle against a wall or something. Those people are the shadows. Apparently, they really like GORUCK events, just not the PT, carrying stuff, teamwork, and all the hard parts of it. They, however, are quite helpful at taking dark blurry pictures and using a flash in the middle of the night. They also are really good at drinking beer and standing.
Description: The best way to find Workhorse is to begin struggling with a coupon. Workhorse will appear out of nowhere and say, “You want me to take that for a bit, bro?” You will look over and realize that this rucker is already carrying a 100# sandbag on his/her back and a jerry can in each hand. “Just throw it on my back for me.” Workhorse says. And, you might as well. Workhorse feels no pain.
Description: This adorable little creature is much stronger than you think. The best way for you to identify Smurf is for your team to get assigned a log. The Smurf is the one who isn’t resting the log on his/her shoulder, rather Smurf is overhead pressing it in order to contribute. Smurf may be short, but absolutely a bad-ass.
Description: “Dear Lord, PLEASE don’t let cadre make him a casualty.” The moment you utter those words, you’ve found your Heavy Drop.
Blue Jeans & Flannel Guy
Description: The king of Rule #1. This guy is the stuff of legend. You laugh him off at the start of the night, easily mistaking him for New Guy. Then, 3/4 of the way through the night, when you’re sucking wind and about to die, you look over at him and realize his freakin shirt is still neatly tucked in and he’s smiling.
Description: Please. Shut. Up.
Description: Welcome party: smiles. Casualties: smiles. Time hack: smiles. Log: smiles. Backward bear crawls up a freakin mountain: smiles. Has to carry Overpacker’s ruck: smiles. Pretty sure this rucker is just drunk.
Scary Quiet Guy
Description: The most words ever spoken by Scary Quite Guy were “No. I’m good.” No one has ever really figured out what’s up with this guy, but he seems pretty unhappy about everything. However, he usually pulls a ton of weight and, yes, he’s probably going to kill all of you.
OK, who did I miss? Let me know in the comment section below.